Sai Diary 27 - 28th April

(..cont)

It was 5:20; Suprabhatam time. Devotees longingly calling on to their Lord to awaken and grant them darshan that they have been eagerly awaiting for. But now, to our human eyes, the Lord seemed to continue sleeping. His beautiful form didn't respond to our prayers.

This time i broke down.

"Swami,  do You hear Your children calling You? Do You feel their yearning? Wont You wake atleast now  Beloved Lord?

Swami's reply resounded : How can the Suprabhatam wake the Ever-awakened. The Suprabhatam was never for Me. It was always sung for your benefit. It was sung to awaken the Sai sleeping within you. So I ask you the same question - Wont you awaken atleast now..Wont you forsake your sleep? Awaken my little one, from this mayic dream. Awaken the Divinity sleeping within you. "

How could anyone ignore such words!!

An emotional door had been opened within.. As i beheld His form and heard the bhajans..a realisation dawned that the greatest human event ever in the history of all creations had now come to an end. The Poorna Avataar had brought down the curtains on His human drama. No more will humanity behold the charming form floating amongst them. No more will the Divine voice ring , lovingly querying "When did you come?"  No more will He stretch to take letters from His children sitting far behind, No more running behind His Divine vehicle to catch another glimpse of Him. Now we must have His darshans only in His Omnipresence, within and without.

I left the hall by 7:30.  to escape my emotions, i walked listlessly for some time then finally decided to sleep , hoping to catch Swami in my dreams..

I woke up late in the afternoon and spend the day away from Kulwant hall. Crossing the western canteen i saw a western devotee sitting under a tree, looking lost. I had seen her and some other westerners with Swami always, for as long as i can remember. I don't know their names, or nationalities.. I often wondered where they came form, how they survived, where their families were.. if ever they went back home or planned to. Now i wondered what they would do! i sent a prayer on their behalf, knowing well that Swami is ever with them.

In the evening i caught up with my aunt who is a resident in the ashram. She relived treasured memories from the past. I was amazed at the wonderful relation she shared with Swami. Then suddenly she remarked "I never share these stories with anyone. They ever stay within me, warming my heart. Yet i felt an inner encouragement to share them with you today."

I sent a silent thanks to Swami and returned to my room. I then saw some old brindavan videos of a Young Swami on my laptop . How delightful!!

At night my friends told to me about the final samadhi taking place in the morning at about 9:00. Some friends had traveled from around the globe to catch a final darshan of the Divine form. Many were convinced that they wouldnt make it on time. So it was sweet to see them weep in relief when they learned that all their hectic efforts would bear fruits and they would be able to see Swami's form before it was enshrined.  Dear Swami.. even now is busy taking care of His little ones.

Next morning I reached Kulwant hall at 5:30. Swami's form lay amidst new floral decorations. Bhajans were being sung in the Mahashivaratri format. Gents and Ladies alternatively. Curtains covered the dias area, which was full of activity. Seva dals moving to and fro, the Trust members, office bearers, usherers all busy doing their thing.

At 8:00 Swami's singing boys took over. They sang for the final time before Swami's form all those sweet melodies which Swami loved..

O Ma! O Ma!, Tu pyaar ka saagar hai, Madhur mohan Ghanashyam, Humko tumse pyaar kitna, Love is My form, Why fear when I am here, Sai bin raha na jaye.. These weren't bhajans, sung everyday. These were songs that Swami would ask the boys to sing on special occasions.

The memory of Swami listening to these songs with eyes closed, tapping His fingers, swaying in joy, flashed in my heart. A dam within seemed to burst. I bent my head, and sobbed without control. I wasn't alone. Many boys had their heads bent each pouring streams of tears at Bhagawans feet. A few seemed to sit quietly but when you saw their eyes, they were red. Some boys called out aloud "Swami, please come back.. We Love you Swami, We need you Swami!!"

"Love My uncertainties" Baba says. Who would have thought such a day would come, when we would be in the Kulwant hall, the Divine office, and would be weeping for His form. There was a resentment within, a feeling of being cheated at the thought of His sudden leaving. Yet within a moment He sent understanding.

I remember waking on the morning of 23rd Nov, last year, not in joy but with a heavy heart, thinking "Swami! are you going to be with us for only 10 more years?" Now an understanding came that Swami for our benefit, had kept us in delusion. We who knew His ways, completely failed to realise that He followed the hindu calender system even in so many of His daily tasks. Would Swami have permitted us to suffer His exit by waiting for it? Imagine knowing that Swami was now 95 ( by western calender) how we would have lived each month, each week, each day, even each hour with a dread of His leaving us. Swami would never suffer us to such a state. So He did what He felt was easiest for His children. A soothing understanding replaced all resentments.

Back in the hall the main ceremony was in process. Heads of different faiths spoke words before the gathering, giving strength and solace to all. There were representatives from the Jew, Bahai, Buddhist, Islam and Sikh communities.

Amidst Vedic chanting the state police gave state honours gun salute. It was touching to see Mother India show her gratitude to Her Lord for gracing Mother Earth and gracing this land with His human presence; by offering the Indian Flag at His feet.

The time had come. A moan went up collectively in the hall as Swami's family members lifted His form for the final samadhi ceremony. What followed many must have seen on television. The curtain fell again. When they were lifted, Swami's form had found its resting place.

I have no heart to mention anything more. But i must share a few things which i have since learned from people who i cannot name. Readers may choose to disregard some things that i mention.

Swami appeared to a devotees inner vision asking her to bring along 2 of His old lady devotees for the Samadhi ceremony. Immediately this devotee called up the 2 ladies, asking them if they would like to come along. They gladly agreed. The Devotee took them for the ceremony and couldnt help notice that the 2 ladies retained their normal joyful attitude throughout. Curious, she later asked them frankly if they knew that Swami was to leave us and so were prepared. Reluctantly but with a twinkle in their eyes, the ladies acknowledged that Swami had revealed to them this and much more, years before. Despite pleading with them to tell them something the 2 ladies apologised and confessed that Swami had taken their hands and asked them for a promise to maintain complete secrecy about these facts and that they would like to honour their promise to Swami.

I learned that during His last days Swami had taken upon Himself a variety of problems relating to different and even the smallest parts of His physical form. Some details cannot be share. But i state this for a reason. Years ago Bhagawan had mentioned that His physical form represented the various Lokas / dimensions of existence. Our Bhu loka was is middle / Hip portion. On yet another occasion He mentioned to devotees that different parts of His physical form represented various countries on earth. He went on the say Germany, Russia , America, UK..... Swami was declared to be suffering multi organ failures.  Sai Ma had taken upon Her form all burdens from all across humanity.

A final thought. As a child when i read stories of Lord Rama and Krishna in comics, my focus wouldnt be so much on the Avataars, as it would be on the people around them. I would wonder how incredibly fortunate these people were. Little did i know that the same Avataars had come down yet again in the beautiful Sai form and that i too would have the previlage of close proximity that i so yearned for, while reading the comics.

Yet a thought haunts me.

Sri Rama and Krishna had devotees who acted in a way that made them not only worthy of the Lords proximity but in some cases these Avataars were also known by the names of devotees who served them - Maruti sevit Rama, Gopi Vallabh, radhika jeevana...  Did our Swami have any such worthy devotee.. did He have His Hanumaan, His Laxmana, a Bharata or Arjuna, His Vaanara sena? Did He have His gopas and gopikas??? Did we , who in History will ever be known as the fortunate ones who were devotees and contemporaries of the Lord, do justice to our roles as His devotees.

For years Sai kept lovingly urging us to Love all, serve all, Help ever, Hurt never!! yet where do we stand? I remember many a occasion when a devotee speaking in His Divine presence would ask these questions of other devotees asking them to raise the bar, making devotees realise their lack of efforts ; But Swami would ask them to stop. I wondered why? why not take us devotees to task? How dare we take Bhagawans words for granted? Yet Swami would never confront His children, because, as i understood later, He would only want to inspire His children through the power of Love.

And what love He bore for us.. I remember His last discourse that i heard Him give on the convocation day.. Even with a mike in front His voice broke and failed. It was easy to sense the extraordinary painful effort He seemed to be making in speaking every single word to His students. Even when the mike failed to help Swami didnt give up. For about an hour, he kept whispering through His pain as Prof Anil Kumar  ( Bless Him) bent and brought his ears close to Swami's mouth and delivered His speech  Swami spoke about the ideal devotees from the past, who ever took the path of Dharma, which earned them such renown. He urged each of us to take to the Dharmic path. I urge you all brothers and sisters to read this discourse that Swami gave on the 22nd Nov Convocation day.

He once said to a Student "Bangaru ( Golden One) I do not want your devotion, I want your transformation!"

When Krishna called, the Pandava army responded. When Rama called, the Vaanara heroes responded. Our Swami has called upon us! He has bestowed on us the highest honour stating 'Your Lives will be My message!!'

Shall we not answer His call?

Come children of Sai, let us surrender to Him. Let Him take hold of the chariots of our lives and like Krishna of yore lead us through the battlefield of Samsara. What from our lives are we holding onto? what is Swami asking of us? He once shared that we need not practice or do all the things mentioned in various scriptures, that all we needed to do was to follow His very first teaching : LOVE ALL.

Once, during an inner conversation I asked Swami to give me His secret of Love,  that  i too may be able to follow His footsteps and Love all..

Swami replied :

Most of My children,
open their eyes,
See the world...
Measure the world...
Judge the world...
then choose,
 to give Love,
or withdraw it....


Whereas I,
Open my eyes,
See the world,
Give Love,
Give Love,
Give Love.....

In Sai Love!